Body Language And the Laziest Monday Night Thoughts In The World
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Presented by RR on June 22, 1999 at 16:06:41
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It's not really an arguable point.

The WWF announcers are better than WCW announcers. Sure, Lawler's "puppy" chants can get annoying. But overall, WCW has failed to understand the importance of a good announcer.

I will watch a match on Raw that I have absolutly NO interest in solely because JR is doing commentating. Why? Because his commentary adds to the match and makes it interesting. Notice the difference when Cole was subbing for him? Not so good.

An announcer can keep my from changing the channel. Isn't that what Bischoff is desparate for right now?

But, I noticed something on Monday night that I want to add to the announcer debate (if you can call it that).

Body language.

Watch the opening of Raw when JR and Lawler run down the card and compare it to the opening of Nitro when Schiavone and Heenan attempt to do the same.

Lawler's got his arm around the back of JR's chair (they're gay, you know). Even though they disagree constantly, these two are buddies, comrades, a team. Look at Schiavone and Heenan. They stand perfectly still, arms to the side, sitting as far away from each other as possible. This only highlights their glaring lack of chemistry.

Look at the announcer who is NOT talking. When JR is saying something, Lawler's uses facial reactions. He's actually LISTENING to JR. JR (bless his heart) can't exactly do the facial reaction thing quite so well, but good Lord he tries. Now look at Schiavone. When Heenan's talking, Schiavone just looks straight into the camera, waiting for his turn to speak again. He never reacts to what Heenan says or even respond to it. As for Heenan, when Schiavone is Heenan just throws his face into his hands and asks himself what the hell is taking Death so bloody long (Heenan's a suicidal Brit, you didn't know? That's why he an Lord Alfred Hays never got along . . . they filled the same niche).

Anyway, that's just a little analysis I thought I'd throw your way.

I had every intention of doing a Monday Night Thoughts thing. Really, I did. But, well, there just ain't much to say.

So, I decided to just give you some thoughts on the first hour of Nitro, since there's always plenty of material there.


- For once, they actually had a decent promo to open the show. It's nowhere NEAR WWF quality (that's not bias . . . you can NOT tell me that the WWF promos don't make you climax . . . I won't hear it), but it's better than their usual crap which consists of long, boring clips interspersed with random shots of Eric Bischoff.

I did have a problem with their little ECW ripoff (i.e. the captions on the bottom of the screen). That was pointless.

- Is Macho Man always ranting like a loon when he gets out of a car? I'd hate to be his valet (no, I'm not talking about Gorgeous George . . . although I wouldn't mind being her. I'd never have to leave the house. Just give me a full body mirror and let me get to work. Then again, there is the whole part about having to handle Little Macho. I don't think I'd like that part . . . too much; err . . . where was I?). I'm talking about the valet that parks your car for you (for all you stupid rednecks that never go to fancy restaurants or hotels).

Valet: Can I have your keys, Sir?

Macho: (getting out of car) Sting's gonna get it tonight. That's right. nWo. Sting. WCW. Sid.

Valet: Err. . . your keys, sir. I need the keys to park the car.

Macho: World Champion! Sting's gonna get it! And Nash!

Valet: Keys?

Macho: Nash?

Valet: No! Look, park your own damn car.

Lex Luger: That's okay! I'll park the Hummer, seeing as I've got so much driving experience with it.

See? Lex is the driver of the Hummer. By the way, I love how non existant all of the speculation has been over this. We saw entire posts dissecting every angle the WWF has had for the last three months trying to determine who the Higher Power was. For this, all we get is a line in a post saying "Douglas signed with WCW. Maybe he'll be the driver of the Hummer. I dunno. Who cares?"

But it's gonna be Luger.

- Why would Nash get OUT of the limo so that he can chase the Hummer on foot? Especially Nash. Nash doesn't run. He can barely walk. He just drinks coffee all day. And wears a big gold belt that he gave to himself.

- Why am I still on the opening five minutes? This recap is almost as slow as Nitro.

- Or Nash. Those two words are interchangable for this joke.

- What's that? You want me to speed up.

- Fine.

- Why do I feel like I'm ripping off Hyatte here? He sucks.

- Mister P? Mister P?!? Did I hear that correctly? Wow, Penzer. You're really lame.

- If you missed P's little rap, here's how it went. Picture three guys at the top of the ramp. Each of them are saying either "Huh?" "What?" or "Hooty Hoo" at the same time for a good two minutes. Then P begins to obviously lip synch one of his songs. I think I figured out what the P stands for. Phailure.

- Why didn't Al Isaacs wish Master P's brother a Happy Birthday in Scoops? Awfully inconsiderate of you. Someone should really e-mail him about it. For no reason other than you know Al will have about three or four paragraphs of apology in his next update. Ha! I love Al. He's such a weenie.

- This whole Konnan-Hennig thing is lame. Just think about it for a second. They're fighting because Konnan likes rap and Hennig doesn't! Here. Let me outline how lame it is.

Konnan: (punches Hennig) Do you like rap?

Hennig: No.

Konnan: (clotheslines Hennig) How about now?

Hennig: Nope. Still don't.

Konnan: (elbowdrops Hennig) Are you a straight up G 4 eva yet?

Hennig: Let me check . . . no, doesn't look like it.

Konnan goes for another elbowdrop, Hennig moves out of the way and gets up.

Hennig: (stomps Konnan) Do you like country.

Konnan: Nah, man.

Hennig: (snapmares Konnan) Now?

Konnan: No way, vato!

See? That's lame!

- Did I just see what I thought I saw? Because Lodi seducing Lenny Lane is NOT G-rated. My God. Of ALL the angles to rip off from the WWF . . . this one?!?

Lenny: What color tights should I wear, Lodi?

Lodi: I always liked you in purple.

Lenny: Me too. I'm worried. Meng is a big guy. What will I do?

Lodi: You can take him. Here. Let me rub your ass.

Bum chicka bum bum!

That dialogue sounds like a gay porno. Not that . . . you know . . . I would know what a gay porno would sound . . . like. LOOK!!! The tape didn't have a label on it, okay?!? What am I supposed to do? And then the eject button fell off!!! I couldn't . . .

Fuck you. Don't look at me like that. I see you.

- Speaking of Meng (and gay pornos) anyone notice his Jeri-curl? Now THAT'S funny. Meng's got soul, daddy. Now all he needs is a boom box and flourescent jumpsuit and he's in bidness.

- You know, for an island savage that doesn't speak English, Meng sure seemed able to understand those "Faggot!" chants from the crowd. Now, I'm not saying anything . . . but he DID have a Jeri-curl tonight. Just thought I'd throw that at you.

- Wow! That P's a sharp one. Making Hennig open the package like that. No one's EVER gonna take P out with a packaged bomb . . . or a cowboy hat, whatever the case may be. I do have to give the WCW fans credit. Booing as they sang Happy Birthday to P's brother? Priceless!

Anyway, this was the segment that clashed with the start of Raw and I'm sorry, but . . . no. I don't have to say anything else, right? Just "No!"

I'm not in the mood to deal with Raw. It was a so so show. Not bad, not good. It had its highlights, it had its lowlights. I dug (I'm turning into DDP) the Beaver Cleavage segment . . . BANG!

I did flip back to Nitro towards the end because that's the ONLY time anything worthwile happens. When it's time for Raw (except last night) and the end. Everything else is pointless.

Anyway, we see Luger run in to save Sting but we all know he's the one driving the Hummer. How do we know? Because everytime Luger knows he'll eventually turn on somebody (which is often) he can't keep a straight face during any segment with that person (as he was unable to do during the standoff last night). And, what the hell else are they gonna do with Luger? And, it explains how Sting got in the Hummer. Luger gave him the keys and told him "Don't worry! It's not the Macho Man's Hummer so you won't look like you're the driver when you get out," all the time trying to frame Sting.

Look. It's a WCW angle. I'm doing the best I can here.

Anyway, that's all for me. Hootie hoo!

Oh yeah! I also liked the Rock symbol. It rocked! Get it?